Let it out!!!

Most of the time, I don't post really deep, heavy posts. My last post (Ten Percent) was one of those, though. It had just been building up inside, and I needed to get it out.

I try not to hold things in. I know how destructive it can be to a person to hold things in. It can be destructive mentally and physically to a person...it just eats at a person from inside out. It ends up not only affecting the person, but also affects family and friends, because the person starts to withdraw, and lashes out at others for no apparent reason.

I was a really negative person for a long time because I held things in and didn't let them out. I thought for a long time that I was the only one going through the things I was going through, and no one else understood the things I was experiencing. I had someone though that did not give up on me. This person loved me through my difficulties and depression, and kept encouraging me, even when I didn't feel like I needed or wanted it.

About 3 or 4 years of this person supporting and loving me during my darkest time, I finally realized that I was slowly killing myself. I realized that others did care, and that others did know what I had been through. But, others couldn't help if I didn't let them know. I owe a lot to that friend. He and his family were there for me when I needed them the most. I am not sure they will ever know just how important they were to me.

Ten Percent

I am proud to be left-handed. I am proud to be a part of society that by its very nature is artistic and creative. I am very happy to be a part of the 10% of this world's population that is left-handed. I am grateful that my parents did not force me to learn to write with my right hand, as what happened to my grandfather. Forcing a child to write with the hand that they are not supposed to write with hinders their creativity. It hinders their whole thinking process, and the child loses a part of their identity. Part of who I am today is wrapped up in being creative, artistic, and open-minded. None of the righties in the family are like that. I am one of a kind!

But, there are a few things that really bother me. Not about being left handed, mind you. What bothers me is how society has viewed left-handed people in the past, and how it still views left-handed people today. For example:

1. In the past, people were forced to write with their right hand, and were punished if they didn't. They were told that left-handed people were the devil's children. Right is Right, and Left is Wrong! I don't understand this. How does being left handed signify being of the devil? Really, if anything that is left is of the devil, then we are all going to hell. The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body. The left side of the brain controls the right side of the body. And since the brain tells the body what to do, I'd venture to say right-handed people are the devil's children instead. Right is Right...right?

2. Everything in this world being geared towards right handed people. Research has shown that left-handed people live an average of 5 years less than right handed people. Why? Because of the stresses of living in a right handed world. Some examples of right handed items that we all encounter on a daily basis:

Doors - open from the right
Faucets - hot on the left (= devil), cold on the right
Cars - gear shift is on the right, gas is on the right, radio is on the right, everyone else who might ride with you will be off to your right.
Spiral Notebooks - spiral is on the left side, making it difficult to write with your left hand
clocks - clockwise motion is to the right
cooking utensils - all manufactured to be used with the right hand (try using a ladle with your left hand)
scissors - the left handed ones are blunt, for the slow-minded kids who might hurt themselves using them
computers - the mouse and keyboard are both right handed, all on/off switches are on right of monitors, towers, printers, etc
cameras - made to be held up to your right eye, right finger pushes the button to take picture
phones - made to be held in left hand, as one dials with the right hand
musical instruments - the only truly left handed instrument is the French Horn. All others are held by left hand, or use a combo of both hands.
books - read left to right
can openers - hold with left hand, turn with right
tape measures / rulers - if used left handed, all the numbers on the measure are upside down
meals - pass everything to the right!!

3. The way people look at you when they realize that you are left handed. I have had so many people looked stunned and disturbed when they see me write with my left hand. I've had people tell me before that they cannot watch me write, because it bothers them to see me writing backwards. It's like watching some break their arm or leg...it's just plain disturbing.

My mom taught oil painting, stained glass, ceramics, cake decorating, and other arts / crafts things when I was very small. I'd love to learn how to do some the things she has taught, and have asked once or twice for her to teach me how to do them. But, I have pretty much given up on asking her to show me how to do them. Why? Because everything I do is left handed. She only knows how to teach right handed, and she gets frustrated (and has told me so) trying to teach the crafts backwards to me. It's not just my mom that is like this. I've encountered teachers and instructors elsewhere who get frustrated in trying to teach me to do things backward. It's very discouraging to want to learn to do something but be made to feel like you can't do it because you aren't like everyone else. I shouldn't have to sit off on the sidelines simply because I do things backwards from everyone else.

My Business

Why is it that people think they can get in the middle of your business and feel that it is ok for them to tell you how to feel or think or behave?

I told my best friend that I was not going to dinner with the normal group one night. I had my reasons for not going. Very good reasons for not going. But my friend got all upset, and started trying to give excuses as to why I could not back out of going to dinner with the group (you are the President of this band - you have to go to dinner with the group! What if someone has questions for you, and you aren't there!). This was the first time I have ever missed dinner with the group, and my friend just went off for no reason...

I mentioned to a family member that I thought about spending the day down in Galveston tomorrow. Once again, someone went off - they don't feel I should be going places by myself, and that I'll get hurt wherever I go.

Then the whole dating questions start..."Are you dating anyone?" "Why not?" "When are you going to start?" I'll start dating when I'm ready!! I don't need to justify anything to anyone. I am happy with myself, and I just don't understand why people feel it is ok to butt into other people's business like that.

Inquiring minds want to know

I have recently started getting to know someone of the opposite gender than me. We have known *of* each other for the past couple of years, and have occasionally crossed paths. We have occasionally exchanged correspondance. But recently, said person and I have gotten into deeper discussions. We talk a couple of times a week. We make it a point to see each other and visit face to face at least once a week. With all of this said, I don't know if said person is actually interested in anything other than a friendship. I am not sure I want anything other than a friendship with said person.

But, I find it interesting that when someone even *thinks* that someone *might* be interested in them, they get all excited, even if they don't really want to go out with them. I'm not saying that I won't go out with said person if he asks me out. I probably will go out with him if he asks. How else will one get to know someone? The only answer I can come up with on why a person might get excited is that it makes a person feel good to feel wanted, or think that they are wanted. It is the whole "I choose you" thing. It's a great feeling, and I hope I get this feeling more often. I am actually finding myself looking forward to our correspondance, and looking forward to our visits.

Right vs. Wrong

Why is it that we do things that we know are not right??? Even though our brains tell us that we shouldn't do things, or associate with certain people, we continue to do it anyway. We get it stuck in our heads that we want a certain thing or a certain person, and even though we know that reasonably we should not do it or be with that person, we do it anyway. I'll never understand that.

I'm always amazing myself, and not always in a good way. I'll do something and then 30 minutes later I'm smacking myself on the head, saying "I know better than to do that!!! Why did I just do that?? Now I'm going to have to answer for doing that!"

Envy

I went to dinner tonight with a member of the band I play in. We had talked about going to a specific restaurant for quite some time, and finally decided to go. She and I have somewhat of a history together, although we didn't officially meet until last year. It turns out, she was my brother's private lesson teacher when he was in high school 10 years ago.

Anyway, we went to dinner, and as always with me, the conversation was all over the place. Which is no big deal, really. We were commenting on the happenings of the band, the people in it, etc. Then, she said that she does not envy my position on the Board of Directors. This is not the first time I've heard this comment, but tonight, it really struck a cord with me and I don't know why.

I don't know if people are finally seeing the dedication and sacrifice I, and the other board members, make for the band or they are finally saying something about it. I don't know if it's something else. I'm glad though that people are recognizing that it is a lot of work, and can be very stressful, but I also hope they see that it is very rewarding too.

Why is it no one wants to touch a board position in this band with a 10 foot pole? Are we that bad? Are we too busy? What's the deal? We have a very hard time trying to find members to join the board. Those that have lately seem not to want to work, but just be able to tell others that they are on the board of a non-profit organization. I have to admit, that was my initial feeling about joining the board. But, I was forced into the limelight very early on, and thankfully my attitude has changed.

All I really want is for people to recognize our hard work and dedication to the band, and for people to be as dedicated as we are, even if they don't serve in a leadership role.

Time in a Bottle

I had an interesting experience this past weekend. I met my college roommate Saturday night, as she had borrowed my Soprano Clarinet some time ago, and was returning it to me. I had not seen her in quite some time (almost a year), and had only met her daughter one time. I had never met her son...her daughter is 5 and her son is 3. We had roomed together for a year in college, and were workout buddies the following year, as we roomed next door to each other.

Anyway, my roommate and I used to talk several times a month, mainly complaining about the men in our lives and how our lives were turning out so different than how we thought they would. Things seemed to be the same as always, for the most part. We were the same old friends, with the same old problems. Except, I am now happily divorced without children, and she is unhappily married with two small kids.

For the past 6-8 months, we really haven't talked that much. She had told me that she had been busy with work and the kids, and was tetering on divorce with the husband. I have been busy with work, the band, and coming to terms with the fact that I had not dated anyone in 3 years (my longest dating drought ever).

She was going to be in the Katy area Saturday night, and suggested we meet at Chuck E. Cheese's. I hadn't been in one of those since I was young enough to actually go there to play games...this would be my first time to go as an "ADULT." I was like a fish out of water. I really felt uncomfortable being there - I had absolutely nothing in common with anyone in that entire restaurant. And my roommate was, as she should be as a parent, more focused on where her kids were than on a conversation with me.

I didn't realize until then just how much time had changed things between us. We no longer had a lot in common. We didn't have anything in common anymore, and it was like we didn't even know each other anymore. Even though I had been feeling like I had been swamped at work and with the band, all the sudden I was the "single friend" who was free to do whatever whenever and wherever, with whoever. In a way I had been envious of her in the past, because she had two beautiful kids, and was making things work with the family...but, looking around me, I was happy of where I was emotionally and spiritually at that very point in time.

I realized that it wasn't me who had changed - it was her. I was still my old goofy self, but she had to give up everything of herself for her kids and family. She turned to me at one point that night and pointed to a random child who was screaming very loudly, and told me that child was the perfect method of birth control. I believe she was right. For a split second, the old roommate came out, as she ran over to the blue screen to act goofy so she could be on the Cheese TV that is shown all over the restaurant. She got a couple of laughs from parents sitting not far from us.

I walked away thankful for what I have, and for what I don't have. It was an interesting evening out, to say the least.

Cultures

Sometimes it is good to get out and experience other cultures from what you are used to. Last night, I attended a German Beer Fest in Round Top, Texas, population 77. I think the entire town plus some were there. A couple of friends of mine performed in a German Polka Band at the Fest, and that was how I found out about it. On the menu was German Sausage, Sauerkraut, German style mashed potatoes, bread, pickles, peaches, and of course beer. I chose to drink tea instead. Beer is not my thing. But the experience as a whole was fabulous...there is a lot of tradition in the German culture, and part of the festivities were in done in the native language. People got up and danced to some of the music, we all sang along to a german beer song, and even did the Chicken Dance! It was good to get out and experience a new culture - to see what others perceive as important, and fun.

Weddings

One of my best friends, Stephen, got married today. I attended the ceremony, along with the rest of the board, their spouses, and Clancy. Two other band members were there as well. Very nice wedding, but it was very obvious that his new inlaws are very pretentious. The wedding was at River Oaks Baptist Church and the reception was the Junior League of Houston. My other best friend, Leslie, and I ended up being our usual selves, cutting up and laughing the entire time - during both the wedding and the reception. I have never seen so many stuck up people in all my life. I hope to God that my wedding was not like that, and that if I ever do get married again (not looking like it right now) that it is not like that either.

I just felt so sorry for Stephen's mother, Joan. As soon as she saw me, she grabbed me, and would not let go. She did not look very happy at all during the ceremony either - just looked like she was attending a funeral for a very close family member.

Even though we laughed and cut up, we were mainly doing it because we realized that we were losing a very good friend. It will never be the same from here on out. I miss Stephen already, and he has only been married for a few hours. He's already at the airport, their flight leaves in an hour...I am so depressed, it's not even funny. I don't want to lose him, but then again, I need to support him through this. Both Leslie and I kept saying that this was the nicest funeral we ever attended. A part of us died today, watching Stephen walk down that aisle.

Jobs

I just started a new job. I find it...well, I don't know if I find it amusing or disgusting...that when one begins a new job, it's like they must figuratively pee all over the office to mark their territory. And another thing, they must inform everyone about their great achievements. As if getting the job wasn't good enough of an achievement.

I walked into my new office today, and immediately started looking around to find ways to change it so it will be "mine." Good riddance, ye olde employee - I am here now. You may leave!

And then, to top it off, I was over in another office later this afternoon, talking with 2 other ladies. We were discussing what we did this past weekend (they were talking, I was listening), and one of them made a comment about how she felt she was tired today due to the fact she had partied all weekend. She then made the comment that she was going to do absolutely nothing the rest of the week after work, so that she could rest and be ready for next weekend's party. Both ladies looked over at me, as if it was my cue to complain about all the partying I did over the weekend as well (I was yawning at this very moment). I shrugged, and began my little achievement talk. "Well, I'm tired today because I'm the President of two different non-profit organizations, and I am pretty busy all the time on the weekends doing work for those two groups." Jaws dropped to the ground, as I knew they would...the questions immediately began. What do you do? What groups are they? Wow. What do you play? What does that look like?

I know I am not the only one who does this. I've seen others do it as well. The thing is, I don't like it. But, I don't know how to shut up and quit trying to mark my territory. Maybe I should do it in a sense to set boundaries, but I think sometimes it can go overboard. *sigh*

Knowledge

I have come to the realization that the more I know, the more confused I get. I think I know things about other people - but then when I get to know them, I get more confused about what I know. I need to go to Kemah and sit to ponder my state of knowledge and my state of confusion.

Convention Success!

The trip to the Association of Concert Bands Convention was successful. I took many notes, met many people, and made many new friends. I am one step closer to bringing the convention to Houston, and it feels good. I definitely needed this trip. It refreshed my spirit, and I was able to get some band work done at the same time. I am already making plans to go to the convention in Pensacola in 2007.

Band Convention

Sometimes work and pleasure need to intermingle. Sometimes it helps clear the mind and to get one's priorities straight. I think that is what I am needing right now. Tomorrow I will be flying to Pennsylvania to represent the Lone Star Symphonic Band at the Association of Concert Bands Convention. I'll be mingling with other community band members / officers. I'll be working at bringing the Convention to Houston, but it will also be a good way to get away from every day life. I definitely need a vacation!!

fun times!!

Every once in a while, one must step aside and relax. I decided to do that, and went to Galveston. What a great time that was!! I went to Moody Gardens, hung out on the seawall, and ate at a really neat little Greek restaurant over looking the Gulf.

Lone Star State!!

Welcome to my page!! I am a bass clarinetist in Houston Texas, and am the President of a local community band. I really enjoy being in the group and love the Bass Clarinet!! I'll be posting things here every so often...hope you enjoy.