...In with the new

I've come to realize that sometimes one must flush out the crap in their lives before they can move on to the next big thing.

I had been emailing a guy for about a month. Then, at the beginning of July, he vanishes off the cyber-planet. I only had his email address, so I could not call him and make sure he was ok.

So then in the middle of July, I send my email to Ryan, saying we are completely through. Not a day later, the new guy, Jeff, pops back online and emails me. Said that his house was flooded and he's spent the last month cleaning it. He profusely apologizes and hopes that I'll email him back, which I do.

I gave Jeff my phone number, and we progressed to phone calls. We'd talk every single night on the phone, and finally decided after a week of talking that we should get together and go on a date...we went out last Friday, and it was absolutely amazing! I had the best time with him. He's very funny, and we seem to see the same things in life. I really like what I see so far.

So, once I got Ryan out, Jeff could come in! I'm so excited to see where things are headed now with Jeff....

Out with the old...

I gave up on Ryan. I'm tired of waiting. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"

We had met back in February, and started seeing each other, but haven't gotten together since April. It's now July...and it seems every time we talked on the phone (which was few and far between), he kept trying to push a certain fantasy on me, even though I clearly stated that I was uncomfortable with it. Everytime we talked on the phone, he would say that we would be getting together soon, but when I would question when "soon" would be, he couldn't come up with an answer.

So, early last week, I sent him an email, and ended things. I told him that I was tired of waiting on him, that he apparently was never planning on seeing me again, and that I've moved on. I also said that I apparently was not the person for him, and I wished him luck on his search for whatever and whoever he is looking for. The idiot read, then deleted, my email without even responding. That's ok though. It's better than being hung up on, or receiving some lame excuse.

I feel a lot better now that I've done that!

divorce

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend the other day. We started talking about divorce. We agreed that it is quite common these days for people to get divorced, but he felt that it is acceptable these days, so that is why more people are doing it. I mentioned that since I had been through a divorce, I felt that even though it is common place now, people who get divorced are still looked down upon. He started to disagree with me, until I mentioned that when we came close to dating a couple of years ago, he refused to go out with me because I had once been married.

I just think that it's pretty pathetic that half of this country is divorced, we are still looked down upon as if something is wrong with us.

Defending a Proposal

I am absolutely scared right now. Usually when I feel really optimistic about something, it ends up going very wrong. I hope that changes today.

I went before the Houston Arts Alliance this morning to defend the Band's proposal to have HAA fund a portion of a concert next season. The last two times I went before the panel to defend our proposal, it ended in disaster. I always felt like I was going before the "firing squad." Not today. The meeting went very well in my opinion, and I actually feel good about what was said during the meeting. I walked out optimistic instead of upset.

Two years ago, we were only 17 points from getting the grant. Last year, it was closer to 30 or 40 points away from getting it. I think this year we have the best chance of getting the grant. I hope we get it...it would be a shot in the arm for us.

Honesty

I don't understand why people can not just be honest and open with others, even though they claim that they are.

I began dating someone at the end of February. We clicked right away, and both of us felt a connection from the very beginning. I admit I let my guard down, and I fell hard for this person very quickly. We felt though that we had known each other for a long time, so it was easy to fall so quickly.

Our work schedules differ greatly, unfortunately. I work days, and he works nights. He usually wakes up about the time I go to lunch, so I made it a habit to call him during my lunch break so we could chat for a bit. We both enjoyed the time talking on the phone...

But lately, he has not been answering his phone when I call from my cell phone, and when he does answer, he immediately needs to get off the phone. He tells me that he'll call me back in a few minutes, then never does. I went to his website, and there was a woman who had posted something on his site basically saying that he was her boyfriend, and she loved him very much.

If he had just been open and honest with me in the beginning and told me that he was going to date around to see who suit him best, that would be fine. But he made it feel like we were being exclusive to each other, so I didn't go out with other guys...even though I had the opportunity to.

JUST BE HONEST!!

Happy St. Jude's Day Papa!

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of what my family calls St. Jude's Day. My grandfather had open heart surgery on March 17th, 1987, and had one of his heart valves replaced, which was defective at birth. Every year, on March 17th, we would call him, and send him St. Patrick's Day cards, to wish him a Happy St. Jude's Day. We call it St. Jude's because that was the company that made the heart valve that was put into my grandfather's heart.

The doctors told him after the surgery that if everything went perfect, he would live 10-12 years. He lived 18 years, and didn't pass away due to anything associated with his heart...he passed away from cancer.

He told me one time that he never thought he'd live to be as old as he was. He was 77 when he passed away, still a young man. But, he felt that he had lived a long life, and had experienced many things. A good job, retirement, a loving wife, 3 kids, 7 grandkids, 3 great-grandkids, travels around the world, and so on.

I miss him terribly. I miss our conversations at Christmas time. I miss the times I'd call over there and he'd answer the phone, and he'd talk with me for a minute before passing me over to my grandmother. I miss the advice he would give about life in general, and the advice on how to fix things that broke (he knew how to fix everything!). I miss knowing that I could go to him and share my passions (music) and he'd be completely supportive, and tell me to keep it up. I miss walking in the house through the garage door, seeing him sitting at the corner of the bar, and he'd give me a big bear hug, asking me, "How's my big girl?" I miss hearing my grandmother and him cutting up with each other.

I love you Papa!

The eye of the beholder

I met this new guy online. We've been talking for some time now, and actually met for the first time not long ago. We've been on 3 actual dates in the past week. He's a really attractive guy, and we hit it off right away. We both agree that it seems like we've known each other for a long time. The only issue is that he has brought up the topic of my weight in several conversations. It's not that I'm some huge freak who can't stop eating. I do have some weight I need to lose, but sheesh, doesn't everybody? I'm actually at the point now where I'm ok with myself, and I'd hope that someone else would be too. He asked me last night if I didn't have the hormone disorder I have, what would I look like body wise. Who the hell cares? Like me for who I am, not who I might be if xyz didn't happen!! That is the only sticking point.

Circular Thinking

I'm sitting here listening to Ozzy Osbourne, which is funny...I actually like a lot of his music. I never thought I would say that. "No More Tears" starts with a bass guitar solo. It reminds me of the guy I had dated for about a month last December. He was always talking about playing the bass...We aren't dating anymore. There were too many differences between us on the basic things. We would not have made it as a couple.

I've met a new guy, and I really like him. He isn't involved in music at all, which is so weird for me. I never thought I would be interested in someone who isn't involved in music. He seems so far to be supportive of my involvement in the band. The thing is this: he doesn't seem like a head case. He seems to be a decent guy, with a good relationship with his family, and is an educated person (he teaches university classes, and also works in corporate america). I seem to only attract the nut cases, so I'm wondering how this will work out, or if it will work out.

Take a Breather

I decided to take another trip to Galveston this past weekend. I ended up working on band stuff while down there, but it was so relaxing at the same time. I basically went looking for places to have the band perform at. A trip to Moody Gardens, the Lone Star Flight Museum, Galveston State Park, the Seawall, and the Strand were all in order. I got several very good pictures while out too. I realized that winter is a really good time to visit there, as not a lot of people head to the beach when it is cold outside. I don't know why I didn't realize that before.

I headed down there before lunch, and got back around 6 pm. I need to take more trips down to Galveston. It does a body good.

Money

I am surprised what some people will do for money. People leave jobs to make better money somewhere else. They get desperate and steal or rob or they sell everything they own. All for money!!

I am in the process of re-financing my house. I wanted a better interest rate, and I wanted the PMI off my mortgage. It just annoys the crap out of me at how the loan officer is sooo pushy at getting everything turned in. He calls me 2 or 3 times a week..."have you done this?" "I need that." "Make sure you do this." I realized he wants his commission and will stop short of making me go ballistic on him to get his money. I had to get pretty rude with him one day so that the point would get across to him that I do work, and cannot talk while at work.

And then there is the appraiser. He annoyed me too. I tried to tell him that I can't talk during work, but he must be deaf because he still tries to call me while I'm there. I told him when I could meet, and that was not good enough for him...he wanted to meet before that date, and wanted to know if my mom could meet him if I couldn't make it out. My mom doesn't pay the mortgage on this house!

And I am doing all of this for money...like I said, I'm surprised what some people will do. Apparently, I'll allow people to annoy the crap out of me.

Psycho

I don't understand something. Why do people who have a history of mental issues seem to be attracted to me? I've had more than one person express their interest in me. I'd like to know what it is that I'm putting out there that is attracting these people who are like this.

I called a friend of mine, who lives in Florida, and told him about my latest relationship experiences. This friend and I became fast friends this past year, and ended up becoming "Friends with Benefits" for a while. He's about 30 years older than me, and is in a relationship of his own. He's been supportive of me getting into a relationship of my own.

He sounded real excited when I started telling him about the relationship, but when I told him about some of the differences, he thought it was a good idea for me to end it when I did. He also told me that his ex wife told him that he was too controlling during their relationship. I've had feelings for this friend before, and we seem genuinely interested in each other as well.

I just am tired of always having to deal with these mental people...

Let it out!!!

Most of the time, I don't post really deep, heavy posts. My last post (Ten Percent) was one of those, though. It had just been building up inside, and I needed to get it out.

I try not to hold things in. I know how destructive it can be to a person to hold things in. It can be destructive mentally and physically to a person...it just eats at a person from inside out. It ends up not only affecting the person, but also affects family and friends, because the person starts to withdraw, and lashes out at others for no apparent reason.

I was a really negative person for a long time because I held things in and didn't let them out. I thought for a long time that I was the only one going through the things I was going through, and no one else understood the things I was experiencing. I had someone though that did not give up on me. This person loved me through my difficulties and depression, and kept encouraging me, even when I didn't feel like I needed or wanted it.

About 3 or 4 years of this person supporting and loving me during my darkest time, I finally realized that I was slowly killing myself. I realized that others did care, and that others did know what I had been through. But, others couldn't help if I didn't let them know. I owe a lot to that friend. He and his family were there for me when I needed them the most. I am not sure they will ever know just how important they were to me.

Ten Percent

I am proud to be left-handed. I am proud to be a part of society that by its very nature is artistic and creative. I am very happy to be a part of the 10% of this world's population that is left-handed. I am grateful that my parents did not force me to learn to write with my right hand, as what happened to my grandfather. Forcing a child to write with the hand that they are not supposed to write with hinders their creativity. It hinders their whole thinking process, and the child loses a part of their identity. Part of who I am today is wrapped up in being creative, artistic, and open-minded. None of the righties in the family are like that. I am one of a kind!

But, there are a few things that really bother me. Not about being left handed, mind you. What bothers me is how society has viewed left-handed people in the past, and how it still views left-handed people today. For example:

1. In the past, people were forced to write with their right hand, and were punished if they didn't. They were told that left-handed people were the devil's children. Right is Right, and Left is Wrong! I don't understand this. How does being left handed signify being of the devil? Really, if anything that is left is of the devil, then we are all going to hell. The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body. The left side of the brain controls the right side of the body. And since the brain tells the body what to do, I'd venture to say right-handed people are the devil's children instead. Right is Right...right?

2. Everything in this world being geared towards right handed people. Research has shown that left-handed people live an average of 5 years less than right handed people. Why? Because of the stresses of living in a right handed world. Some examples of right handed items that we all encounter on a daily basis:

Doors - open from the right
Faucets - hot on the left (= devil), cold on the right
Cars - gear shift is on the right, gas is on the right, radio is on the right, everyone else who might ride with you will be off to your right.
Spiral Notebooks - spiral is on the left side, making it difficult to write with your left hand
clocks - clockwise motion is to the right
cooking utensils - all manufactured to be used with the right hand (try using a ladle with your left hand)
scissors - the left handed ones are blunt, for the slow-minded kids who might hurt themselves using them
computers - the mouse and keyboard are both right handed, all on/off switches are on right of monitors, towers, printers, etc
cameras - made to be held up to your right eye, right finger pushes the button to take picture
phones - made to be held in left hand, as one dials with the right hand
musical instruments - the only truly left handed instrument is the French Horn. All others are held by left hand, or use a combo of both hands.
books - read left to right
can openers - hold with left hand, turn with right
tape measures / rulers - if used left handed, all the numbers on the measure are upside down
meals - pass everything to the right!!

3. The way people look at you when they realize that you are left handed. I have had so many people looked stunned and disturbed when they see me write with my left hand. I've had people tell me before that they cannot watch me write, because it bothers them to see me writing backwards. It's like watching some break their arm or leg...it's just plain disturbing.

My mom taught oil painting, stained glass, ceramics, cake decorating, and other arts / crafts things when I was very small. I'd love to learn how to do some the things she has taught, and have asked once or twice for her to teach me how to do them. But, I have pretty much given up on asking her to show me how to do them. Why? Because everything I do is left handed. She only knows how to teach right handed, and she gets frustrated (and has told me so) trying to teach the crafts backwards to me. It's not just my mom that is like this. I've encountered teachers and instructors elsewhere who get frustrated in trying to teach me to do things backward. It's very discouraging to want to learn to do something but be made to feel like you can't do it because you aren't like everyone else. I shouldn't have to sit off on the sidelines simply because I do things backwards from everyone else.

My Business

Why is it that people think they can get in the middle of your business and feel that it is ok for them to tell you how to feel or think or behave?

I told my best friend that I was not going to dinner with the normal group one night. I had my reasons for not going. Very good reasons for not going. But my friend got all upset, and started trying to give excuses as to why I could not back out of going to dinner with the group (you are the President of this band - you have to go to dinner with the group! What if someone has questions for you, and you aren't there!). This was the first time I have ever missed dinner with the group, and my friend just went off for no reason...

I mentioned to a family member that I thought about spending the day down in Galveston tomorrow. Once again, someone went off - they don't feel I should be going places by myself, and that I'll get hurt wherever I go.

Then the whole dating questions start..."Are you dating anyone?" "Why not?" "When are you going to start?" I'll start dating when I'm ready!! I don't need to justify anything to anyone. I am happy with myself, and I just don't understand why people feel it is ok to butt into other people's business like that.

Inquiring minds want to know

I have recently started getting to know someone of the opposite gender than me. We have known *of* each other for the past couple of years, and have occasionally crossed paths. We have occasionally exchanged correspondance. But recently, said person and I have gotten into deeper discussions. We talk a couple of times a week. We make it a point to see each other and visit face to face at least once a week. With all of this said, I don't know if said person is actually interested in anything other than a friendship. I am not sure I want anything other than a friendship with said person.

But, I find it interesting that when someone even *thinks* that someone *might* be interested in them, they get all excited, even if they don't really want to go out with them. I'm not saying that I won't go out with said person if he asks me out. I probably will go out with him if he asks. How else will one get to know someone? The only answer I can come up with on why a person might get excited is that it makes a person feel good to feel wanted, or think that they are wanted. It is the whole "I choose you" thing. It's a great feeling, and I hope I get this feeling more often. I am actually finding myself looking forward to our correspondance, and looking forward to our visits.

Right vs. Wrong

Why is it that we do things that we know are not right??? Even though our brains tell us that we shouldn't do things, or associate with certain people, we continue to do it anyway. We get it stuck in our heads that we want a certain thing or a certain person, and even though we know that reasonably we should not do it or be with that person, we do it anyway. I'll never understand that.

I'm always amazing myself, and not always in a good way. I'll do something and then 30 minutes later I'm smacking myself on the head, saying "I know better than to do that!!! Why did I just do that?? Now I'm going to have to answer for doing that!"

Envy

I went to dinner tonight with a member of the band I play in. We had talked about going to a specific restaurant for quite some time, and finally decided to go. She and I have somewhat of a history together, although we didn't officially meet until last year. It turns out, she was my brother's private lesson teacher when he was in high school 10 years ago.

Anyway, we went to dinner, and as always with me, the conversation was all over the place. Which is no big deal, really. We were commenting on the happenings of the band, the people in it, etc. Then, she said that she does not envy my position on the Board of Directors. This is not the first time I've heard this comment, but tonight, it really struck a cord with me and I don't know why.

I don't know if people are finally seeing the dedication and sacrifice I, and the other board members, make for the band or they are finally saying something about it. I don't know if it's something else. I'm glad though that people are recognizing that it is a lot of work, and can be very stressful, but I also hope they see that it is very rewarding too.

Why is it no one wants to touch a board position in this band with a 10 foot pole? Are we that bad? Are we too busy? What's the deal? We have a very hard time trying to find members to join the board. Those that have lately seem not to want to work, but just be able to tell others that they are on the board of a non-profit organization. I have to admit, that was my initial feeling about joining the board. But, I was forced into the limelight very early on, and thankfully my attitude has changed.

All I really want is for people to recognize our hard work and dedication to the band, and for people to be as dedicated as we are, even if they don't serve in a leadership role.

Time in a Bottle

I had an interesting experience this past weekend. I met my college roommate Saturday night, as she had borrowed my Soprano Clarinet some time ago, and was returning it to me. I had not seen her in quite some time (almost a year), and had only met her daughter one time. I had never met her son...her daughter is 5 and her son is 3. We had roomed together for a year in college, and were workout buddies the following year, as we roomed next door to each other.

Anyway, my roommate and I used to talk several times a month, mainly complaining about the men in our lives and how our lives were turning out so different than how we thought they would. Things seemed to be the same as always, for the most part. We were the same old friends, with the same old problems. Except, I am now happily divorced without children, and she is unhappily married with two small kids.

For the past 6-8 months, we really haven't talked that much. She had told me that she had been busy with work and the kids, and was tetering on divorce with the husband. I have been busy with work, the band, and coming to terms with the fact that I had not dated anyone in 3 years (my longest dating drought ever).

She was going to be in the Katy area Saturday night, and suggested we meet at Chuck E. Cheese's. I hadn't been in one of those since I was young enough to actually go there to play games...this would be my first time to go as an "ADULT." I was like a fish out of water. I really felt uncomfortable being there - I had absolutely nothing in common with anyone in that entire restaurant. And my roommate was, as she should be as a parent, more focused on where her kids were than on a conversation with me.

I didn't realize until then just how much time had changed things between us. We no longer had a lot in common. We didn't have anything in common anymore, and it was like we didn't even know each other anymore. Even though I had been feeling like I had been swamped at work and with the band, all the sudden I was the "single friend" who was free to do whatever whenever and wherever, with whoever. In a way I had been envious of her in the past, because she had two beautiful kids, and was making things work with the family...but, looking around me, I was happy of where I was emotionally and spiritually at that very point in time.

I realized that it wasn't me who had changed - it was her. I was still my old goofy self, but she had to give up everything of herself for her kids and family. She turned to me at one point that night and pointed to a random child who was screaming very loudly, and told me that child was the perfect method of birth control. I believe she was right. For a split second, the old roommate came out, as she ran over to the blue screen to act goofy so she could be on the Cheese TV that is shown all over the restaurant. She got a couple of laughs from parents sitting not far from us.

I walked away thankful for what I have, and for what I don't have. It was an interesting evening out, to say the least.

Cultures

Sometimes it is good to get out and experience other cultures from what you are used to. Last night, I attended a German Beer Fest in Round Top, Texas, population 77. I think the entire town plus some were there. A couple of friends of mine performed in a German Polka Band at the Fest, and that was how I found out about it. On the menu was German Sausage, Sauerkraut, German style mashed potatoes, bread, pickles, peaches, and of course beer. I chose to drink tea instead. Beer is not my thing. But the experience as a whole was fabulous...there is a lot of tradition in the German culture, and part of the festivities were in done in the native language. People got up and danced to some of the music, we all sang along to a german beer song, and even did the Chicken Dance! It was good to get out and experience a new culture - to see what others perceive as important, and fun.

Weddings

One of my best friends, Stephen, got married today. I attended the ceremony, along with the rest of the board, their spouses, and Clancy. Two other band members were there as well. Very nice wedding, but it was very obvious that his new inlaws are very pretentious. The wedding was at River Oaks Baptist Church and the reception was the Junior League of Houston. My other best friend, Leslie, and I ended up being our usual selves, cutting up and laughing the entire time - during both the wedding and the reception. I have never seen so many stuck up people in all my life. I hope to God that my wedding was not like that, and that if I ever do get married again (not looking like it right now) that it is not like that either.

I just felt so sorry for Stephen's mother, Joan. As soon as she saw me, she grabbed me, and would not let go. She did not look very happy at all during the ceremony either - just looked like she was attending a funeral for a very close family member.

Even though we laughed and cut up, we were mainly doing it because we realized that we were losing a very good friend. It will never be the same from here on out. I miss Stephen already, and he has only been married for a few hours. He's already at the airport, their flight leaves in an hour...I am so depressed, it's not even funny. I don't want to lose him, but then again, I need to support him through this. Both Leslie and I kept saying that this was the nicest funeral we ever attended. A part of us died today, watching Stephen walk down that aisle.