Remembering

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my grandfather passing away due to cancer. It's been an emotional week for me. I thought I would be handling his passing better than I have. I really miss the conversations I'd have with him when I was there for the holidays, and when I was on the phone with him. I felt like he was one of the only ones who really supported me in my goals and dreams.

I know he was in a lot of discomfort in the last phase of his life. All three of his kids put their lives on hold to help him transition with ease and with his family near him. He went exactly how he wanted to go - at home with his family by his side.

My mom was holding his hand as he left. She had to tell him that everything was ok, and that they would take good care of my grandmother. He was such a trooper...he was trying to hold on long enough to make sure she would be alright, and to get some space between her birthday and his passing. He passed one week to the day of her birthday. Shortly before he died, my mom heard him call out his older brother's name. Uncle Bill had died not long before, and we believe that Uncle Bill was there to welcome him to the other side. I believe that at one point Papa was holding hands with both Uncle Bill and my mom at the same time.

I'll always cherish the time I had with him. I can't wait to be able to see him again and tell him about everything I did after he left.

Dedication

Here I sit, on my day off, at a desk at work...routing, running invoices, and greenbars. I'm not even at my desk. I'm having to sit in the computer room to do all of this because I have to watch the large form printers to make sure they don't jam while printing. To top everything off, this is the Friday after Thanksgiving!!

I don't mind doing this, mind you. The person who filled in for me while I was in Florida worked a lot of overtime to cover for me as well. He only mildly complained about it too.

Earlier, one of the analysts from upstairs came down and was complaining about one of the customers getting shorted product today, and how we are having to go out there tomorrow. She then found out that the driver won't get paid for taking it tomorrow, so he'll probably bring it back. So, instead, she is having to take it out to them today. The whole time, she was complaining about it. Why? Do what you have to to get the job done. Don't complain about it!!! She just had to take 2 boxes of candy out to a customer. I'd be more than happy to take product out to a customer! It'd get me out of the office for a while!

A chip on one's shoulder...

I read the following article on the HTTP://www.thisislondon.co.uk website on October 18th, 2007...I thought it was an interesting read!


Those not blessed with height are often accused of having a chip on their shoulder.

Now a study has found that they might, in fact, have an unhealthy attitude to life.

Short men and women apparently complain of poorer mental and physical health than those of an average height.

Researchers examined more than 14,000 responses to the 2003 Health Survey for England.

The subjects had given details of their height, weight, age, gender, long-standing illness and social class.

They were then asked to rate their health on a range of indicators such as mobility, pain and depression.

Those in the shortest height category - men shorter than 5ft 4in and women shorter than 5ft - reported much poorer health, according to the report in the journal Clinical Endocrinology.

The survey did not ascertain how healthy they actually were, just how well they thought they were.

Lead researcher Dr Torsten Christensen said: "Using this large and nationally representative sample of the UK population, we found shorter people report that they experience lower physical and mental well-being than taller people do.

"Our results also indicate that the shorter someone is, the stronger this relationship becomes."

She added that an increase in height of one inch would have a positive impact on the healthrelated quality of life of a short person, whereas the effect of an extra inch would be negligible for a person of normal height.

Dr Christensen found that short people would have a 6 per cent higher health rating if they were around three inches taller.

This is the equivalent to the health benefit experienced by an obese person losing two and a half stones.

Dr Christensen, of Danish healthcare company Novo Nordisk, added: "We know that people who are short experience more difficulties in areas of their life such as education, employment and relationships than people of a normal height.

"Although our study does not show that short height directly causes a reduction in physical and mental health, it does indicate that short people are more likely to feel that they experience a lower healthrelated quality of life."

She added: "Further research is now needed to clarify the precise relationship between changes in height and health-related quality of life."

Short height in adult life can either be due to normal development or can be caused by a number of diseases such as growth hormone deficiency and Turner syndrome.

Treatment with growth hormone for children with these conditions can increase their final height by as much as four inches.

The study shows that these height increases could have a huge positive effect on a person's mental wellbeing once they grow up.

Stress

I'm getting to that point again. Why do I get myself into these situations? I'm already stressing out about NEXT YEAR. The band has several things on its plate that I am directly involved in, and I'm already stressing about it.

1. Another band member is chairing the HACMA festival, but I still play a part in organizing it. I've been emailing the chair, and talking with him almost every day on this and that for the festival, who to have for convention directors, etc.

2. My band's anniversary concert. I am co-chairing this, along with the treasurer of my band. Getting in contact with former directors, past presidents, and other guests of honor is putting a strain on me. But...it is going to be a really neat concert.

3. Chairing the ACB convention in 2009. I have to have stuff ready for the convention next year. I have to take things with me to represent the 2009 convention so people will get excited about it.

We'll be raising funds for all three of these events at the same time. I'm about ready to pull my hair out. I need to get away for a bit and just walk the beach in Galveston. I need to get my head together!

More lists...

As I sit here at my computer, I know I have loads of stuff that I need to be doing, but I can't pull myself to do it. Tons of band stuff. Maybe this next week I can pull myself together to do it. I just need to work on it a little at a time.

Christmas time is coming. I need to write my annual Christmas letter. I need to upload pictures to the LSSB site. I need to change the concert info on the LSSB site. Upload info for Houston Symphonic Band onto HACMA's website. Make the next concert poster. Type up the next press release. If I have a slow day at work, I can crank some of that out. At least the press release and the Christmas letter.

Why do I keep putting stuff off? I'm not usually a procrastinator. But I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere right now...recently I've had to be prodded to do anything. I need to get out of this funk.

Concert Outlook

I'm at a loss of how to feel right now.

My band had a great concert last night. One of our best yet, as a matter of fact. We sold out the theatre. We made a killing in the box office. We even sold a lot of tickets for the upcoming concert - the Christmas concert. The board members got several very good comments last night about how the band has improved greatly over the last few months since Bob has come on. I should be very excited about the concert last night, but I'm not.

I had a solo in one of the pieces, and I messed it up. And one of the clarinet players decided to be a pie crust and quit because she was insulted that she was not asked to play in the clarinet quartet that performed during the concert. I should brush these things off and be excited for the over all picture. Maybe in the next couple of days I can. Right now, I'm still pissed.

Good Deals

I love finding good deals on things. Now that Jeff and I are together, I'm all about finding good deals more frequently...mostly I am looking for deals on things for us to do on the weekend, since most of our paychecks go to paying bills. But, there are some good cultural events out in Houston that are either free or really cheap.

I found out that a local nursery had a fall harvest celebration, with a pumpkin patch, farmers market, and clinics. The event was free. I know of several museums in town that are free either all the time, or on specific days. I constantly check Miller Outdoor Theatre's website and Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion's website for free events. Jeff and I are going to a free Houston Symphony concert tonight up at Cynthia, and in a few weeks we'll be going to Miller to watch a free movie...it's a silent film with a real orchestra playing the background music. The Houston zoo is free on specific days of the year...my family went there last year the day after thanksgiving and had a picnic to go along with it as well.

There are good deals out there...one must be on the outlook for it though...

confusion

I am confused. I'm confused about being confused. I'm not sure why I'm confused or how I got here, I just know that I am here. Not knowing how or why I am here is causing problems, since I have no idea how to leave this state of mind and correct the issues at hand.

I think for one, I might have too many irons in the fire. I have not been able to get away and go to Galveston lately. It's a good problem to have in a way...I haven't been able to go because I have spent the weekends for the past month and a half with Jeff. I've had no free time to go put the irons in order of importance. I need to do this.

Between having to hire a new band director, convince the last one that he is no longer the director, help plan the vacation I'm going on this weekend, plan the weekend outings we do every weekend, train the back up person to do my routing, start planning the upcoming concert, continue planning the anniversary concert, work on the ACB convention planning, board meetings for three different non profits, spend time with the new boyfriend, and deal with some people up at work that are annoying, it can get a little overwhelming.

I think that is my main problem. I have too many things to do, and I don't know where to start. I need to sit and write out everything I'm doing, and what the priority is on each of them. That will help a lot.

Having someone new in your life can be stressful at times too. I had loads of stuff to do before, and now I am working a relationship into the mix. I appreciate the time I get to spend with Jeff, and with every new relationship there will be some times where we have to sork through some issues. I think we can work through these issues - they're more growing pains than anything else right now. It's just adjusting to having someone else with you.

Once I get my priorities straight, I think I will be good...now, just to make time to prioritize...

...In with the new

I've come to realize that sometimes one must flush out the crap in their lives before they can move on to the next big thing.

I had been emailing a guy for about a month. Then, at the beginning of July, he vanishes off the cyber-planet. I only had his email address, so I could not call him and make sure he was ok.

So then in the middle of July, I send my email to Ryan, saying we are completely through. Not a day later, the new guy, Jeff, pops back online and emails me. Said that his house was flooded and he's spent the last month cleaning it. He profusely apologizes and hopes that I'll email him back, which I do.

I gave Jeff my phone number, and we progressed to phone calls. We'd talk every single night on the phone, and finally decided after a week of talking that we should get together and go on a date...we went out last Friday, and it was absolutely amazing! I had the best time with him. He's very funny, and we seem to see the same things in life. I really like what I see so far.

So, once I got Ryan out, Jeff could come in! I'm so excited to see where things are headed now with Jeff....

Out with the old...

I gave up on Ryan. I'm tired of waiting. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"

We had met back in February, and started seeing each other, but haven't gotten together since April. It's now July...and it seems every time we talked on the phone (which was few and far between), he kept trying to push a certain fantasy on me, even though I clearly stated that I was uncomfortable with it. Everytime we talked on the phone, he would say that we would be getting together soon, but when I would question when "soon" would be, he couldn't come up with an answer.

So, early last week, I sent him an email, and ended things. I told him that I was tired of waiting on him, that he apparently was never planning on seeing me again, and that I've moved on. I also said that I apparently was not the person for him, and I wished him luck on his search for whatever and whoever he is looking for. The idiot read, then deleted, my email without even responding. That's ok though. It's better than being hung up on, or receiving some lame excuse.

I feel a lot better now that I've done that!

divorce

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend the other day. We started talking about divorce. We agreed that it is quite common these days for people to get divorced, but he felt that it is acceptable these days, so that is why more people are doing it. I mentioned that since I had been through a divorce, I felt that even though it is common place now, people who get divorced are still looked down upon. He started to disagree with me, until I mentioned that when we came close to dating a couple of years ago, he refused to go out with me because I had once been married.

I just think that it's pretty pathetic that half of this country is divorced, we are still looked down upon as if something is wrong with us.

Defending a Proposal

I am absolutely scared right now. Usually when I feel really optimistic about something, it ends up going very wrong. I hope that changes today.

I went before the Houston Arts Alliance this morning to defend the Band's proposal to have HAA fund a portion of a concert next season. The last two times I went before the panel to defend our proposal, it ended in disaster. I always felt like I was going before the "firing squad." Not today. The meeting went very well in my opinion, and I actually feel good about what was said during the meeting. I walked out optimistic instead of upset.

Two years ago, we were only 17 points from getting the grant. Last year, it was closer to 30 or 40 points away from getting it. I think this year we have the best chance of getting the grant. I hope we get it...it would be a shot in the arm for us.

Honesty

I don't understand why people can not just be honest and open with others, even though they claim that they are.

I began dating someone at the end of February. We clicked right away, and both of us felt a connection from the very beginning. I admit I let my guard down, and I fell hard for this person very quickly. We felt though that we had known each other for a long time, so it was easy to fall so quickly.

Our work schedules differ greatly, unfortunately. I work days, and he works nights. He usually wakes up about the time I go to lunch, so I made it a habit to call him during my lunch break so we could chat for a bit. We both enjoyed the time talking on the phone...

But lately, he has not been answering his phone when I call from my cell phone, and when he does answer, he immediately needs to get off the phone. He tells me that he'll call me back in a few minutes, then never does. I went to his website, and there was a woman who had posted something on his site basically saying that he was her boyfriend, and she loved him very much.

If he had just been open and honest with me in the beginning and told me that he was going to date around to see who suit him best, that would be fine. But he made it feel like we were being exclusive to each other, so I didn't go out with other guys...even though I had the opportunity to.

JUST BE HONEST!!

Happy St. Jude's Day Papa!

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of what my family calls St. Jude's Day. My grandfather had open heart surgery on March 17th, 1987, and had one of his heart valves replaced, which was defective at birth. Every year, on March 17th, we would call him, and send him St. Patrick's Day cards, to wish him a Happy St. Jude's Day. We call it St. Jude's because that was the company that made the heart valve that was put into my grandfather's heart.

The doctors told him after the surgery that if everything went perfect, he would live 10-12 years. He lived 18 years, and didn't pass away due to anything associated with his heart...he passed away from cancer.

He told me one time that he never thought he'd live to be as old as he was. He was 77 when he passed away, still a young man. But, he felt that he had lived a long life, and had experienced many things. A good job, retirement, a loving wife, 3 kids, 7 grandkids, 3 great-grandkids, travels around the world, and so on.

I miss him terribly. I miss our conversations at Christmas time. I miss the times I'd call over there and he'd answer the phone, and he'd talk with me for a minute before passing me over to my grandmother. I miss the advice he would give about life in general, and the advice on how to fix things that broke (he knew how to fix everything!). I miss knowing that I could go to him and share my passions (music) and he'd be completely supportive, and tell me to keep it up. I miss walking in the house through the garage door, seeing him sitting at the corner of the bar, and he'd give me a big bear hug, asking me, "How's my big girl?" I miss hearing my grandmother and him cutting up with each other.

I love you Papa!

The eye of the beholder

I met this new guy online. We've been talking for some time now, and actually met for the first time not long ago. We've been on 3 actual dates in the past week. He's a really attractive guy, and we hit it off right away. We both agree that it seems like we've known each other for a long time. The only issue is that he has brought up the topic of my weight in several conversations. It's not that I'm some huge freak who can't stop eating. I do have some weight I need to lose, but sheesh, doesn't everybody? I'm actually at the point now where I'm ok with myself, and I'd hope that someone else would be too. He asked me last night if I didn't have the hormone disorder I have, what would I look like body wise. Who the hell cares? Like me for who I am, not who I might be if xyz didn't happen!! That is the only sticking point.

Circular Thinking

I'm sitting here listening to Ozzy Osbourne, which is funny...I actually like a lot of his music. I never thought I would say that. "No More Tears" starts with a bass guitar solo. It reminds me of the guy I had dated for about a month last December. He was always talking about playing the bass...We aren't dating anymore. There were too many differences between us on the basic things. We would not have made it as a couple.

I've met a new guy, and I really like him. He isn't involved in music at all, which is so weird for me. I never thought I would be interested in someone who isn't involved in music. He seems so far to be supportive of my involvement in the band. The thing is this: he doesn't seem like a head case. He seems to be a decent guy, with a good relationship with his family, and is an educated person (he teaches university classes, and also works in corporate america). I seem to only attract the nut cases, so I'm wondering how this will work out, or if it will work out.

Take a Breather

I decided to take another trip to Galveston this past weekend. I ended up working on band stuff while down there, but it was so relaxing at the same time. I basically went looking for places to have the band perform at. A trip to Moody Gardens, the Lone Star Flight Museum, Galveston State Park, the Seawall, and the Strand were all in order. I got several very good pictures while out too. I realized that winter is a really good time to visit there, as not a lot of people head to the beach when it is cold outside. I don't know why I didn't realize that before.

I headed down there before lunch, and got back around 6 pm. I need to take more trips down to Galveston. It does a body good.

Money

I am surprised what some people will do for money. People leave jobs to make better money somewhere else. They get desperate and steal or rob or they sell everything they own. All for money!!

I am in the process of re-financing my house. I wanted a better interest rate, and I wanted the PMI off my mortgage. It just annoys the crap out of me at how the loan officer is sooo pushy at getting everything turned in. He calls me 2 or 3 times a week..."have you done this?" "I need that." "Make sure you do this." I realized he wants his commission and will stop short of making me go ballistic on him to get his money. I had to get pretty rude with him one day so that the point would get across to him that I do work, and cannot talk while at work.

And then there is the appraiser. He annoyed me too. I tried to tell him that I can't talk during work, but he must be deaf because he still tries to call me while I'm there. I told him when I could meet, and that was not good enough for him...he wanted to meet before that date, and wanted to know if my mom could meet him if I couldn't make it out. My mom doesn't pay the mortgage on this house!

And I am doing all of this for money...like I said, I'm surprised what some people will do. Apparently, I'll allow people to annoy the crap out of me.

Psycho

I don't understand something. Why do people who have a history of mental issues seem to be attracted to me? I've had more than one person express their interest in me. I'd like to know what it is that I'm putting out there that is attracting these people who are like this.

I called a friend of mine, who lives in Florida, and told him about my latest relationship experiences. This friend and I became fast friends this past year, and ended up becoming "Friends with Benefits" for a while. He's about 30 years older than me, and is in a relationship of his own. He's been supportive of me getting into a relationship of my own.

He sounded real excited when I started telling him about the relationship, but when I told him about some of the differences, he thought it was a good idea for me to end it when I did. He also told me that his ex wife told him that he was too controlling during their relationship. I've had feelings for this friend before, and we seem genuinely interested in each other as well.

I just am tired of always having to deal with these mental people...