Missing Dreams

I've been quite frustrated lately. When it is time to go to bed, I cannot sleep. I toss and turn for hours and it doesn't feel like I get to sleep at all, but then find myself waking up to the alarm clock when it goes off. Clearing I am getting some sleep, but not getting any rest. 

I find that I am super tired during the day, especially during the busiest part of my day. But then when it is time to go to sleep...nothing!

When I am super tired during the day, I have all kinds of great day dreams. I tell myself "that would make a great dream tonight - remember that!" But when it is time to go to bed, my brain won't turn off so that I can enjoy the dreams I want to have!

Bluebonnets in the Spring

Every spring, I try to get out and drive around between our neighborhood and Brenham, to find some bluebonnets. I find that seeing bluebonnets growing on the side of the road brings me happiness each year, no matter what I find my mood to be. 

March is the month to be paying attention to the roadsides to see the Bluebonnets. There are fields and fields of them along the back country roads between Katy and Brenham.

I did make my way over to San Felipe, Texas to take some photos at the San Felipe de Austin State Historic Site this past March. No filters, just pictures taken on my phone. I think they turned out quite nicely, and it makes me smile every time I see them!

It's Been a While...

I keep thinking that I will come on and type up an entry for my blog / journal. Then things come up and I forget to come on and enter whatever was on my mind. A lot of things have happened since I was last on.

I don't even know where to start. I see my last entry on here was in October of 2020, and was a dream that I had, and wanted to record.  I've had many dreams since then, but didn't make it to this blog to get them entered.

So, where were we...

I stepped off the board of the Community Band I play in in 2018. Doesn't seem like I recorded that here. I knew that my manager would be retiring soon, and I was expected to apply for his position. And I was pretty stressed/burned out from the happenings with the Board, so it felt like a good time to step down.  I continued to do the things I enjoyed doing for the band, like designing the programs, writing program notes, setting up silent auctions, etc. 

My manager retired in the spring of 2019, and I did apply for his position at the request of his manager. I got the position, and there was a major learning curve associated with the additional responsibilities. The person retiring was supposed to be training/mentoring, but no such luck. I had to figure everything out on my own. In the summer of 2019, my department moved to a new office, from the medical center area to the north side of Houston.

Then COVID hit in March of 2020. The band had a concert the first weekend of March, and then we shut operations down until further notice. I heard that the board went to virtual meetings at that point, instead of meeting at restaurants like they had been when I was on the board. Friends and I decided that since we were not having band rehearsals for the foreseeable future, we would meet virtually during what would have been band rehearsal time. We ate dinner together in zoom meetings once a week and just kept up with each other! I continued to go into the office every day, as did the rest of my department. We were just told to wear masks to protect us all from COVID. 

In February 2021, I decided to rejoin the Board for the community band...only this time as a member at large. I did not want a leadership position. The band's first performance post-COVID was a Memorial Day gig for the City of Sugar Land. We then did an altered Patriotic Concert to ensure everyone was still safe. Concerts have since started back up full force with the band. We had been doing silent auctions online during the pandemic, and decided to keep them online afterwards! In May of 2021, the department I work in got transferred to the National Routing Team. We lost our clerical staff to Dispatch, and I was bumped back down to supervisor from the manager position I had just applied for and been promoted to in 2019. In the summer of 2021, the president of the community band board resigned, and I ended up getting voted back in as president...only this time with stipulations of not getting over committed like before.

In the fall of 2021, I got a phone call from the band director of the community band, telling me that he had been diagnosed with some pretty serious cancer. He took a leave of absence for 7 months to take on chemo and all that goes with fighting cancer. He would join rehearsals through zoom meetings, just to keep in touch with everyone, while a band member stepped up and rehearsed the band, and conducted concerts in his absence. He was able to come back to conduct one piece at the May 2022 concert. He is now in remission, and has come back to the band full force. We offered the band member who helped out a position as Associate Director, which he accepted.

At Christmas time in 2021, I finally got COVID, and ended up passing it on to my mom and step dad. Jeff was either asymptomatic or he somehow did not get it. But I worked from home for a week while I recovered.

My department was able to go fully remote in the spring of 2022. It has been so much better since we are not fighting traffic to get to the office, put miles on the car, pay for toll roads, etc. I made room in the crafting room for my office space, so it has been quite nice to see Jeff during the day when he is relaxing and resting before getting ready for work at night. 

That brings us to 2023. I am sitting here waiting for a billing cycle to drop so I can route it. We've been learning additional billing cycles, as being a part of the national team. I'm learning stores in Florida right now...we routed stores in Maryland, Ohio, and Pennsylvania at one point before transitioning the routing back to the team in that location. Lots has happened, some good...some bad...but we are still here plugging away at life!

Dream: Lights Out

I had a dream last night where I woke up on my own, and noticed my alarm did not go off.  I was in a rush to shower and get ready for work, since I didn't get up when my alarm normally wakes me up.  I remember looking at the alarm from across the room and it was 3 something in the morning - my alarm is set for 5:30 am.  The thing was that this did not phase me...I saw it, I recognized it, but I didn't put the pieces together that I was a couple hours early.  I was too preoccupied with the fact that there was no electricity in the bathroom and that I had to take a shower in the dark.  Jeff was up by this time, and pointed out that it felt like the air conditioner hadn't run in a while either, since the air felt stale.  The air conditioner was located just outside the bathroom.  The rest of the house had electricity, but just not the bedroom, bathroom, and air conditioner unit. 

Jeff called a professional to come out to see what the issue was and to fix it.  While on the phone, the person asked if Jeff had checked the breaker box.  Turns out the breaker for that part of the house tripped, and all it took was for us to flip the switch again.

Dream: Items in my office

In my dream, I went up to my office to do some work, and when I got to the office, it was laid out completely different than how it is in real life.  In the dream, when you walked in the front door to the area, my office was way off to the right, down a dark hallway, while everyone else in my department worked in cubicles off to the left of the front door.  They were no where near each other. I walked in to my office, and there were all kinds of clothes on the chairs and floor.  Some looked familiar to me (like I had worn them at one point or they belonged to my husband, Jeff), while others did not look familiar at all.  I set all my stuff down that I brought with me, and started going through the clothes trying to figure out who they belonged to and why they were in my office. I woke up before I got everything organized.

Dream: Freezing Time

I had a dream that I was able to freeze time whenever I wanted, and for as long as I wanted.  In the dream, I used this ability to freeze time late at night, and then drove to several different Walmarts while time was frozen.  

Since time ( and everyone in it except me) was frozen, I was able to go through the store and get the items I wanted with great ease.  Also, the video surveillance system was not working since time was not moving, so I was able to just walk out with the items instead of paying for them.  

I went to several places and got everything I wanted - Walmart, Target, Hobby Lobby, Michaels...you name it, I went there and got everything I wanted from those particular stores.  

Dream: Restaurant with Family

Last night I had an interesting dream about family.

I was at a cafe with some family.  I know for sure my mom, and a few of Jeff's cousins were there, but I do not remember who else was with us.  We ate and as we were leaving, I looked over in the little niche area where the pitchers of tea and water were kept, as well as the computers for cashing out customers.  

In that niche area, I saw my dad standing there with his arms crossed, waiting for me to see him.  He was wearing the button down short sleeve type shirt that he would normally wear to work, and some slacks.  I knew instantly that what I was looking at was his spirit, since he had passed in real life 7 years prior, and I realized that I was not scared or afraid when seeing him.  

I approached him, and said "Oh wow! Can I touch you?" I was amazed that I could see his spirit, and that I was not afraid. He never said anything, just held out his hand for me to hold.  Also, I noticed that he smelled like he had been outside for a good amount of time.  We stood there for about 30 seconds hold hands, when my family approached...unaware that I was standing there with my dad...and said something to me (I don't know what it was).  I turned my head to look at them as they spoke, and then turned my head back around to my dad.  In that instant of turning to look at family and then back, my dad had disappeared.  

Recording Dreams

When our house flooded in 2016, I lost my notebook that I used to record all of the dreams I could remember.  I hate that I lost that treasure trove of memories!  I think I will continue using this blog as a way to record my dreams so that I can remember them later on.  I hope this is a opportunity for others to share their dreams with family and friends as well!

5 years...seriously?

Oh man, where has the time gone?  I can't believe it has been 5 years since I have posted here.  It's been an emotionally hard time since I posted last.  

My dad's passing has been harder on me that I expected it would be.  I think of him every day.  Every. Single. Day.  I think of all the things that should have been said, that should have been done...I feel like if I had known he was depressed, then I could have tried to get him help.  I struggle every day with the things that should have happened and did not.

Just as hard is the fact that a good friend passed about 6 months after my dad.  We didn't talk real often, but when we did, I felt like he really listened.  He was one of few that really understood me, and I felt like I could really be myself around him...I think of my friend every single day as well.

I've been in the band all these years...got voted in my 14th year of president this past January.  I'm getting tired of this as well.  I'm looking for new things to keep me busy.  I do have a travel blog that I try to post to once a week...been doing that for several years now.  I'm now talking of starting up a youtube channel of the things we find out about when planning and traveling, and also the non profit things too.  I'll have to keep up some videos stockpiled so we can post every week, if we decide to do it.

New ideas for blogging

I've been thinking about starting a scrapbook / vacation blog.  One where others can get ideas on how to get vacations paid for inexpensively and also get supplies for the vacation scrapbooks inexpensively as well.  Let's see how this will work!

Dose of Disney

Jeff and I got married in September 2012.  We honeymooned at Disney World, and had a great time while there!  While at the parks during our honeymoon, I would email pictures I took of rides I remembered from my childhood to my dad. 

After my dad's passing in November, I was looking for a way to make more happy memories at Disney World and not associate the rides with my dad.  I was so pleased to hear that Jeff wanted to go there for his 50th birthday this year!

We went in May, along with Mom and David, and Uncle Jim and Lisa.  a great time was had by all, and I only had a minor meltdown while there.  Success!

a different kind of TMEA

It is that time of year again.  A group of us leave to go to the TMEA convention this coming Friday.  This year will be a little different though...we will be staying the night!  I cannot wait for the trip this year.  It is a much needed outing.

Christmas and New Years

This was the most difficult Christmas and New Year's that I have had to endure.  We survived through it though. 

 

I find myself wanting to call or email Dad to let him know things that are going on.  I did not hardly call or email him when he was alive - now I am fighting the urge to do it. 

 

I realized not long ago that I had buried some bitterness towards Dad's side of the family.  I thought I had released it and let it go, but after the confrontation at the Arlington house after Dad's death I realized there were some things I needed to work on.

 

I am going to have to get myself through this.  Each year should be better from the last.  But I have a feeling it is going to be hard for a few more years before it gets better. 

 

I have to remind myself though that whatever feeling I am fighting to work through, I cannot allow it to interfere with my relationship with Jeff.  I have fought too hard for our relationship to be as successful as it is to just let myself destroy it.

Divorcing Family

When we met with Harold and Janet, they informed us that they had gotten rid of the cat that Dad and Sharon had.  That cat was one of the last things Dad bought for her.  We were later able to recover the cat from the kennel.

They did not want to pay anything for the funeral, even though the note blamed them for everything. Michael and I ended up getting into a screaming match with them, and it took Jeff and Renee to keep Michael off of Harold.  He pushed Leslie to the spot that Dad committed suicide, and made her stand there.

Harold told me that I was a dishonor to the family.  Leslie tried to tell me to leave the house, even though it was not her house.  I put it right back on her, and told her it was not her house and she could not kick me out of it.  I also told her if she had nothing positive to say to me, to just not say anything positive at all.

It took Mom going over to smooth things out a bit, and even at that, they said that Michael and I were not welcome at the memorial service they were holding at the house.

Michael is seeing a therapist for his anger issues.  He cannot hold these feelings in without doing damage to himself, Renee, and their marriage.  I am struggling myself, but not as bad as what Michael is going through.  I realize I am allowed to be angry while grieving, but at some point I need to let go of the anger.  I know they will have to answer for being responsible for Dad's death.  Maybe not in this lifetime, but they will have to answer.   That is the only consolation I have.  I know I will be able to let this go when I am done grieving, and know that God will take care of them when it is their turn to stand in front of Him.  I would love to be there to see that, but more than likely will not.

But, I am no longer related to any of them.  They are no more family to me.  They have killed my father, and for that they will answer.

Life and Death Part 2

Yesterday morning, while I was doing some research to help Michael and Renee get the ball rolling for Sharon, I got a phone call from Jeff's sister, Mendy.  Jeff's Dad passed away yesterday morning.  We now are dealing with two deaths in the family within a week of each other.

Life and Death

On Thursday, November 15th, 2012, I got a phone call from my brother.  He had something to tell me, but would not tell me until I was inside the house and sitting next to Jeff.

Sharon had gone out of town earlier in the week.  She had spoken to Dad on the phone Wednesday evening (November 14th), around 8 pm, but told him she would call back when she could hear better.  When she called around 10 pm, there was no answer, and no answers the few times she called the next day.  At that point, she called Michael to ask him to go by and check on Dad since he was not answering the phone.

Michael had to crawl in to the house through an open window in the back. All the lights were out, but the TV was on.  Michael knew immediately that something was wrong.  He found Dad in the front entry way (it was actually hidden from the back of the house - where Dad would know that whoever came home would come in from).  Dad had shot himself in the chest.  Michael would swear that Dad had shot himself in the head...it wasn't until he read later on that it was a chest wound.

Dad did leave a note.  At the time of this writing, Michael is the only one who has read the note.  The police kept the note for a few weeks, but has finally released it to Michael.  From what I understand, the note was pretty much blaming Harold for Dad's death.

After I got off work on Sunday, November 18th, Jeff and I headed to Austin to get Sharon's car, and drive it to Ft. Worth so she could have her car.  We stayed up there until Wednesday, November 21st, when we came back to Houston.  Jeff and I bought groceries for Michael, Renee, and Sharon (Sharon is staying with Michael and Renee until she can find her own place), and cooked meals for them while we were there.  We plan to still have Thanksgiving at Mom's house tomorrow, with Sharon there as well.

We are married!

At the Harris County Courthouse, Clay Road Annex

September 17th 2012

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At the Wedding Reception

September 22nd, 2012

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Honeymoon to Walt Disney World

September 23rd - 27th, 2012

things happen in multiples

Just a few weeks ago, one of my cousins (Bobby) passed away from cancer...just found out that my great aunt had a stroke last week, and is likely not going to come out of that itself, but to top it off she has also been diagnosed with late stage lung cancer.  They have unplugged her from the iv's.  Now we just wait.  It has been a rough few weeks.

Convention work

On February 12th, a group of friends and I went to San Antonio for the TMEA convention.  It was a much needed break and we were able to purchase several large percussion instruments for the Band.  Success!

New Start to the Same Thing

Tonight is the Band's Annual Meeting.  Tonight I will be giving my speech on how the band did this past year, and what we have to look forward to.  This is the eighth time I have given this speech, every year since January of 2005.  I feel that I have grown in my time on the podium, and although I am nervous about tonight, I don't feel that I am as nervous as I have been in the past.  This is a great thing!

I do feel excited about tonight too.  We are voting in board members who are up for re-election, which is normal.  But we are also voting in 2 new board members tonight, one of which I have wanted as a board member for a couple of years now (the piccolo player).  She agreed to do it, finally, and I suggested she take the remainder of a 2 year term, just to see if it is really something she wants to do, and can commit to.  The other position is going to the String Bass player, who has been coming to the after-band-executive-committee meeting every Sunday for several months now.  He's already seen how things kind of work, and how we each take things on, etc.  He's been already committing himself to some things that the board is doing, and offering his services where needed.

This has the potential to be one of the best boards we have had ever.  Everyone has their own opinion, and voices it during meetings.  But, on the other hand, almost everyone chips in and has taken on a project they can call their own.  There is only one member who has not really taken anything on as his own, and that is bothersome.  This one member just shows up to meetings and rehearsals.  Instead of taking tickets to sell, he just writes a check for $50 and calls it a donation.  He always says he is on the stage committee, but then shows up to rehearsals and concerts well after the stage has been set.  He has not been to a retreat yet, because he goes out of town that particular weekend every year.  He once wanted to step down from the board, when his wife passed away, but we did not let him, because at that time, he needed to remain active so he would not sink into even more of a depression than he was in.

But even still, I feel optimistic about this year.  I am not up for re-election tonight as a board member, but will be up for re-election at Wednesday's board meeting, for the President position.  Even though I have complained in the past about all the things I have had to do as President, I am glad to see so many of the board taking on responsibilities that I used to take on.  The ones I have left are the ones I really enjoy tackling.  Program design, program notes, and press releases.