It's Happening Again

Here we go again...Too much to do, not enough time to do it in. I'm getting just as tired typing this as I am reading it in my own blog. I have a ton to do for the band, between now and the Patriotic concert. I don't even want to think about next year yet. It's going to be worse with us hosting the ACB Convention.

I know it's taking a toll on Jeff as well. But he's stressing out about not being able to have the same days off as well. I hope that is the reasoning why he is starting to withdraw from me again. He made a comment about it the other night during an argument we had...the good thing is that the guy who works on his shift with him quit earlier this week, so as soon as they can get someone else hired to fill the guy's position, Jeff is going to move over to Fridays and Saturdays off. That will help him feel better. Until then though, Jeff is going to have some good overtime, because he's going to be working 6 days a week.

Once we get through the Patriotic concert, things will be good. We'll be going on vacation, and the overtime that Jeff's going to work will help in paying for the trip. Plus he has an extra paycheck coming in May anyway, so that can go towards the trip.

I'm ready for this vacation. I'm ready to spend some time with Jeff. We really have not had a whole lot of time to spend together since he started his job in January. Every once in a while, here and there, we've been able to see each other. One weekend we went to San Antonio, one Sunday we went to Brenham, and one Sunday we walked around Bear Creek Park. That is the extent of what we've done together since the new year.

Like I said, I noticed him withdrawing from me. We went out Monday evening after I got off of work (it was his day off) to do some shopping. He wanted to purchase some outfits for me, so we looked around while at Target, getting some other items. He ended up making a comment about Target not having a lot of options for fat people. That bothered me quite a lot that he said that, but I haven't said anything to him about it yet. We ended up getting into an argument about some other things that night as well, and I went to bed crying...I know he's stressed about not seeing me and everything, but he's made some comments lately that I don't appreciate. I hope it all passes once he gets on Fridays and Saturdays off.

date night

I have to admit, things with Jeff are going very well right now. We've been together almost nine months, and life just seems to get better every day with him.

Right now, our schedules are so different that we only get to see each other on Sundays. The last month however, I have been so busy on the weekends doing band stuff that I have not even been able to see him on Sunday. Next Sunday is going to change all that. The HACMA festival will be over the day before, so we are going to celebrate by going to the Melting Pot before band on Sunday, and he'll go with me to band practice afterwards.

He's been a real trooper in supporting me through the stuff I've had to deal with the last few weeks. I really do appreciate his cooperation!!

dream interpretation

Recently, I have had two dreams that really bothered me when I woke up. I wasn't, and still aren't, sure why I was having the dreams. But, I went to the dream interpretation website that I frequent when wanting to know these things. I was quite shocked to learn what the dreams meant.

Dream #1: Apparently I am learning about some aspect of my life that needs changing, and it will be an irreversible change in my life once it occurs. I have anxieties about performance or my abilities in an area. I have repressed aggression or anger at myself, and have unrealized and unfulfilled goals.

Dream #2: I'm fearing change, and am ambivilant to seizing an opportunity. I feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in my current circumstances. I am overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about my future. I feel time is running out and that I do not have time to accomplish all the things I want (hello - ACB convention??).

Time Off. Really?

I am going to have the next two weeks off of band. Next week is Spring Break, so the school is closed. The week after that is Easter. That doesn't mean that I don't have a lot to do though. I've still a ton of stuff to do, but I'm confident about getting it done. I've already made my to-do list. Between meeting Ed for a tour of the Centrum for the HACMF, gathering the last of the brochures for the ACB Convention goodie bags, mailing off the scores to the past music directors, begin designing the program to the Anniversary Concert, organizing the concert programs from the last concert, and meeting Bob for lunch, I'm busy!

Jeff and I will be going to Brenham on Sunday since I don't have band. It'll be a nice get-away for a change.

Concert time

It's concert time again. We're having our annual spring concert tomorrow, but this time we are having it at Katy High School's Performing Arts Center. This is going to be our highest attended concert to date. I'm excited, but also very stressed out about it...I'm just ready to see how it will all come together.

Time to get out of town

I've got to do something this weekend. The burn out is just getting too much for me. I thought that by taking the week off last week I would be better, but I'm not. It seems to be getting worse. Stephen called me on the way home this evening to check in on me, and I broke down crying. I just can't take any more of this. I haven't been to Galveston since Jeff and I started dating. Saturday, I have a HACMA board meeting in the morning, then I am heading out from there. I'm either going to go to Galveston or I am going to go over to the Byzantine Fresco Chapel and metitate. I might do both...I don't know yet. All I know is that I have to do something.

Burn Out

I'm definitely experiencing burn out right now. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, or talk to anyone. Ever since the board meeting a couple of weeks ago, I haven't wanted to do anything for the band. Absolutely nothing. I feel like people are taking me for granted and then I get blamed for crap when it doesn't go their way. I've got a long list of things to do: newsletter for the band, newsletter for the homeowners association, begin designing the concert program, update the HACMA website, begin marketing the concert. Maybe I can start on it this afternoon. I have to meet Stephen for lunch to pass off the tickets for this concert. I won't be at rehearsal this weekend because I'm having family come in. It might do me good to miss a week anyway.

I'm tired

I'm tired. I'm tired of having to deal with certain things and certain people. It's really wearing me out. It's a good thing I actually have a head cold today...I can hide the fact that I'm upset and have been crying most of the day.

One of the board members quit last night at the board meeting. He made a real nasty scene when leaving too. I'm not apologizing for what I did...I nominated someone else for the vice president position. The guy told me that he wanted to step down and I took him for his word. I can't help it if I have told him multiple times that the nominating committee chair and the vice president position go hand in hand. It states that in the bylaws of the band. He later said that he just wanted to step off the nominating committee because he didn't like the fact that one of the people he wanted on the board didn't get on. The person he wanted on has to serve on a committee first. The board decided some time ago that all potential board members need to serve on a committee first. This nominee hasn't served on a committee at all yet. So, he was pissed at that and dropped the board.

Why don't the board members actually read the bylaws? He'd still be on the board had he read it, and also listened when I told him that the vp position was tied to the nominating committee!

I'm tired of the people who quit telling the board that I always get my way. I don't always get my way. I emailed the guy this morning and gave him examples of when I did not get my way. Maybe, just maybe, if these people who are making accusations actually did some work on the board, then they wouldn't feel that I always got my way.

I started thinking of quitting the board today. I guess I sent signals to Stephen and he sent me an email out of the blue saying not to quit, that 99% of the band is behind me, that most of the band knows and appreciates what I do, and not to quit. It helped, and made me feel some better. But, I'm still feeling really crappy about it. Jeff even helped, making me feel better too.

More than you can handle

I've learned that we won't be given more than we can handle...although we can come awfully close to the edge. Jeff quit his job at Atlantic the week of Thanksgiving. He couldn't handle working for those guys anymore, and quit. He just started a new job yesterday. It took him a month and a half to find a new job. We just started sinking when he got the job. We still aren't out of the woods yet, since it's going to be 3 weeks before he gets a full paycheck. But things are on the upturn now. And it looks like by my birthday, I'll be able to get a new vehicle, since I am almost through paying off my credit cards. I should have those paid off in April. Woo hoo!

Remembering

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my grandfather passing away due to cancer. It's been an emotional week for me. I thought I would be handling his passing better than I have. I really miss the conversations I'd have with him when I was there for the holidays, and when I was on the phone with him. I felt like he was one of the only ones who really supported me in my goals and dreams.

I know he was in a lot of discomfort in the last phase of his life. All three of his kids put their lives on hold to help him transition with ease and with his family near him. He went exactly how he wanted to go - at home with his family by his side.

My mom was holding his hand as he left. She had to tell him that everything was ok, and that they would take good care of my grandmother. He was such a trooper...he was trying to hold on long enough to make sure she would be alright, and to get some space between her birthday and his passing. He passed one week to the day of her birthday. Shortly before he died, my mom heard him call out his older brother's name. Uncle Bill had died not long before, and we believe that Uncle Bill was there to welcome him to the other side. I believe that at one point Papa was holding hands with both Uncle Bill and my mom at the same time.

I'll always cherish the time I had with him. I can't wait to be able to see him again and tell him about everything I did after he left.

Dedication

Here I sit, on my day off, at a desk at work...routing, running invoices, and greenbars. I'm not even at my desk. I'm having to sit in the computer room to do all of this because I have to watch the large form printers to make sure they don't jam while printing. To top everything off, this is the Friday after Thanksgiving!!

I don't mind doing this, mind you. The person who filled in for me while I was in Florida worked a lot of overtime to cover for me as well. He only mildly complained about it too.

Earlier, one of the analysts from upstairs came down and was complaining about one of the customers getting shorted product today, and how we are having to go out there tomorrow. She then found out that the driver won't get paid for taking it tomorrow, so he'll probably bring it back. So, instead, she is having to take it out to them today. The whole time, she was complaining about it. Why? Do what you have to to get the job done. Don't complain about it!!! She just had to take 2 boxes of candy out to a customer. I'd be more than happy to take product out to a customer! It'd get me out of the office for a while!

A chip on one's shoulder...

I read the following article on the HTTP://www.thisislondon.co.uk website on October 18th, 2007...I thought it was an interesting read!


Those not blessed with height are often accused of having a chip on their shoulder.

Now a study has found that they might, in fact, have an unhealthy attitude to life.

Short men and women apparently complain of poorer mental and physical health than those of an average height.

Researchers examined more than 14,000 responses to the 2003 Health Survey for England.

The subjects had given details of their height, weight, age, gender, long-standing illness and social class.

They were then asked to rate their health on a range of indicators such as mobility, pain and depression.

Those in the shortest height category - men shorter than 5ft 4in and women shorter than 5ft - reported much poorer health, according to the report in the journal Clinical Endocrinology.

The survey did not ascertain how healthy they actually were, just how well they thought they were.

Lead researcher Dr Torsten Christensen said: "Using this large and nationally representative sample of the UK population, we found shorter people report that they experience lower physical and mental well-being than taller people do.

"Our results also indicate that the shorter someone is, the stronger this relationship becomes."

She added that an increase in height of one inch would have a positive impact on the healthrelated quality of life of a short person, whereas the effect of an extra inch would be negligible for a person of normal height.

Dr Christensen found that short people would have a 6 per cent higher health rating if they were around three inches taller.

This is the equivalent to the health benefit experienced by an obese person losing two and a half stones.

Dr Christensen, of Danish healthcare company Novo Nordisk, added: "We know that people who are short experience more difficulties in areas of their life such as education, employment and relationships than people of a normal height.

"Although our study does not show that short height directly causes a reduction in physical and mental health, it does indicate that short people are more likely to feel that they experience a lower healthrelated quality of life."

She added: "Further research is now needed to clarify the precise relationship between changes in height and health-related quality of life."

Short height in adult life can either be due to normal development or can be caused by a number of diseases such as growth hormone deficiency and Turner syndrome.

Treatment with growth hormone for children with these conditions can increase their final height by as much as four inches.

The study shows that these height increases could have a huge positive effect on a person's mental wellbeing once they grow up.

Stress

I'm getting to that point again. Why do I get myself into these situations? I'm already stressing out about NEXT YEAR. The band has several things on its plate that I am directly involved in, and I'm already stressing about it.

1. Another band member is chairing the HACMA festival, but I still play a part in organizing it. I've been emailing the chair, and talking with him almost every day on this and that for the festival, who to have for convention directors, etc.

2. My band's anniversary concert. I am co-chairing this, along with the treasurer of my band. Getting in contact with former directors, past presidents, and other guests of honor is putting a strain on me. But...it is going to be a really neat concert.

3. Chairing the ACB convention in 2009. I have to have stuff ready for the convention next year. I have to take things with me to represent the 2009 convention so people will get excited about it.

We'll be raising funds for all three of these events at the same time. I'm about ready to pull my hair out. I need to get away for a bit and just walk the beach in Galveston. I need to get my head together!

More lists...

As I sit here at my computer, I know I have loads of stuff that I need to be doing, but I can't pull myself to do it. Tons of band stuff. Maybe this next week I can pull myself together to do it. I just need to work on it a little at a time.

Christmas time is coming. I need to write my annual Christmas letter. I need to upload pictures to the LSSB site. I need to change the concert info on the LSSB site. Upload info for Houston Symphonic Band onto HACMA's website. Make the next concert poster. Type up the next press release. If I have a slow day at work, I can crank some of that out. At least the press release and the Christmas letter.

Why do I keep putting stuff off? I'm not usually a procrastinator. But I don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere right now...recently I've had to be prodded to do anything. I need to get out of this funk.

Concert Outlook

I'm at a loss of how to feel right now.

My band had a great concert last night. One of our best yet, as a matter of fact. We sold out the theatre. We made a killing in the box office. We even sold a lot of tickets for the upcoming concert - the Christmas concert. The board members got several very good comments last night about how the band has improved greatly over the last few months since Bob has come on. I should be very excited about the concert last night, but I'm not.

I had a solo in one of the pieces, and I messed it up. And one of the clarinet players decided to be a pie crust and quit because she was insulted that she was not asked to play in the clarinet quartet that performed during the concert. I should brush these things off and be excited for the over all picture. Maybe in the next couple of days I can. Right now, I'm still pissed.

Good Deals

I love finding good deals on things. Now that Jeff and I are together, I'm all about finding good deals more frequently...mostly I am looking for deals on things for us to do on the weekend, since most of our paychecks go to paying bills. But, there are some good cultural events out in Houston that are either free or really cheap.

I found out that a local nursery had a fall harvest celebration, with a pumpkin patch, farmers market, and clinics. The event was free. I know of several museums in town that are free either all the time, or on specific days. I constantly check Miller Outdoor Theatre's website and Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion's website for free events. Jeff and I are going to a free Houston Symphony concert tonight up at Cynthia, and in a few weeks we'll be going to Miller to watch a free movie...it's a silent film with a real orchestra playing the background music. The Houston zoo is free on specific days of the year...my family went there last year the day after thanksgiving and had a picnic to go along with it as well.

There are good deals out there...one must be on the outlook for it though...

confusion

I am confused. I'm confused about being confused. I'm not sure why I'm confused or how I got here, I just know that I am here. Not knowing how or why I am here is causing problems, since I have no idea how to leave this state of mind and correct the issues at hand.

I think for one, I might have too many irons in the fire. I have not been able to get away and go to Galveston lately. It's a good problem to have in a way...I haven't been able to go because I have spent the weekends for the past month and a half with Jeff. I've had no free time to go put the irons in order of importance. I need to do this.

Between having to hire a new band director, convince the last one that he is no longer the director, help plan the vacation I'm going on this weekend, plan the weekend outings we do every weekend, train the back up person to do my routing, start planning the upcoming concert, continue planning the anniversary concert, work on the ACB convention planning, board meetings for three different non profits, spend time with the new boyfriend, and deal with some people up at work that are annoying, it can get a little overwhelming.

I think that is my main problem. I have too many things to do, and I don't know where to start. I need to sit and write out everything I'm doing, and what the priority is on each of them. That will help a lot.

Having someone new in your life can be stressful at times too. I had loads of stuff to do before, and now I am working a relationship into the mix. I appreciate the time I get to spend with Jeff, and with every new relationship there will be some times where we have to sork through some issues. I think we can work through these issues - they're more growing pains than anything else right now. It's just adjusting to having someone else with you.

Once I get my priorities straight, I think I will be good...now, just to make time to prioritize...

...In with the new

I've come to realize that sometimes one must flush out the crap in their lives before they can move on to the next big thing.

I had been emailing a guy for about a month. Then, at the beginning of July, he vanishes off the cyber-planet. I only had his email address, so I could not call him and make sure he was ok.

So then in the middle of July, I send my email to Ryan, saying we are completely through. Not a day later, the new guy, Jeff, pops back online and emails me. Said that his house was flooded and he's spent the last month cleaning it. He profusely apologizes and hopes that I'll email him back, which I do.

I gave Jeff my phone number, and we progressed to phone calls. We'd talk every single night on the phone, and finally decided after a week of talking that we should get together and go on a date...we went out last Friday, and it was absolutely amazing! I had the best time with him. He's very funny, and we seem to see the same things in life. I really like what I see so far.

So, once I got Ryan out, Jeff could come in! I'm so excited to see where things are headed now with Jeff....

Out with the old...

I gave up on Ryan. I'm tired of waiting. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!"

We had met back in February, and started seeing each other, but haven't gotten together since April. It's now July...and it seems every time we talked on the phone (which was few and far between), he kept trying to push a certain fantasy on me, even though I clearly stated that I was uncomfortable with it. Everytime we talked on the phone, he would say that we would be getting together soon, but when I would question when "soon" would be, he couldn't come up with an answer.

So, early last week, I sent him an email, and ended things. I told him that I was tired of waiting on him, that he apparently was never planning on seeing me again, and that I've moved on. I also said that I apparently was not the person for him, and I wished him luck on his search for whatever and whoever he is looking for. The idiot read, then deleted, my email without even responding. That's ok though. It's better than being hung up on, or receiving some lame excuse.

I feel a lot better now that I've done that!

divorce

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend the other day. We started talking about divorce. We agreed that it is quite common these days for people to get divorced, but he felt that it is acceptable these days, so that is why more people are doing it. I mentioned that since I had been through a divorce, I felt that even though it is common place now, people who get divorced are still looked down upon. He started to disagree with me, until I mentioned that when we came close to dating a couple of years ago, he refused to go out with me because I had once been married.

I just think that it's pretty pathetic that half of this country is divorced, we are still looked down upon as if something is wrong with us.